| Im So Sick.... |
[06 Aug 2006|10:33am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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"So Sick"-Ne-Yo |
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so yah, 4 am today i finally come home from justins when we left my house at like 5 pm to go to houston to go thrift store shopping...the nice ones too. i bought a pat benitar and tears for fears record and a depeche mode t-shiRt...WOOT!!!
anyway...to the problems at hand...
so, ive been having those thoughts again for the past few months. i thought that i was okay, but i was wrong, and my mom knows. which is y she wants me to go back to my psyc doc. its rediculous that i have this shit inside again...i dont even know if it was ever gone...i fucking thought it was. i find myself getting really quiet and anti-social when im w/ my friends and we're having fun. i find myself sitting on my bed after getting out of the shower and looking around my room and thinking...y do i feel like this, and ive found that almost everyday, i reach in my "GIRLFRIEND BOX" and pull out kerstie's picture, then i look at my wall at the pix of stacy, sammi, and jamie...then i think...."Y cant i be fucking happy?" im 18 years old and ive been waiting for that person my whole life... and i know that i found her, but just like grains of sand i let her slip thru my fingers. idk.
my bff has been talking to me about aaron, that boi that i kinda have a crush on and he's the only guy ive liked since i was in 6th grade. she tells me that maybe i should try it, and how we need to be friends and i should explain to him the situation and the things that happend to me growing up and that i am in love w/ someone but im tryin to get over it.and that we should take things really really slow. like holding hands, and kisses here and there and if its okay later other shit. she's just afraid that if i did decide to have sex w/ him and he broke my heart...she knows me so fucking well...she KNOWS that id literally go fucking crazy. i know i would. id put myself in a mental hospital. and i know id be there for a really REALLY long time.
im just scared as to everything im feeling lately. its fucking hurting me so bad.
i mean, WAT IF i did start to date aaron and i did have sex w/ him...i mean i know id never be able to...im too afraid of men...but, wat if things didnt work out? i mean, i cant let that happen bc i cant let some guy have sex w/ me and then let him leave...its like i let my child hood nightmare replay. and didnt do anything about it. im not mentally stable enuff for that shit. its fucking crazy.
i just want some sort of fucking happiness that will last. im so sick of this shit in my head and in my chest. i just wanna leave the state again.and i wanna be gone for more than fucking 2 weeks. i wanna move away for a little while. i wanna get away w/ everyone i know...the people who know me for a while...i need to be alone for a while so i dont have people watching my every move waiting for me to fuck up or break.
im afraid of falling back into the old me all over again. im fucking fighting as hard as i can...and im just getting so tired. im sick of fighting. but i know that i have to continue w/ this battle. but im getting so fucking weak. and i just want to sit down and rest so i can breathe in instead of constantly holding my breath and letting out a little at a time. i just want to be free. i wanna get up in the morning and feel different...and not feel so pulled down to the earth like i have something heavy on my shoulders. im not even sure if im making since but i dont think it matters bc of how its how i feel.
and i dont wanna depend on medication for the rest of my life...i hate it. but i know i need it. my mood swings are even worse than they were...im even getting more violent.
idk....
its just that its like im sliding back into my old life....like im in drowning in a river...and all i have to hang on to is a rock...im getting so tired and i can barely breathe, but i know to stay alive i have to hold onto that fucking rock until someone saves me.
and this whole violent part of me is scaring the shit out of me. its like all the anger i thought i had let go was hiding and its finally coming out in a way i cant control. i dont know.
im trying so hard to fight...but i just get so tired sometimes. idk anymore...all i know is that i fucking hate this and wish this would all just go away...
but i guess until then...i have to fight...and i WILL. one day at a time.
love always...
Amber Petriece Toledo
(ive been listening to this over and over)
"So Sick"
Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah
Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be
That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio
Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?
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